Why, you might ask?
Because I have been solicited by not just one, but two extremely awkward men to go out on a date this week.
The first incident occurred at work.
I was on the bar, making the drinks. Not to be pretentious or anything but I’m hella good at running the bar. I’ve gotten the process down to a science. I think once you nail down the movements via muscle memory you can stand there for hours and make drinks and not even have to think about it. The point of telling you that is to say that I have a lot of people who stand at the end of the bar and awkwardly watch me make drinks before making comments about “Wow, you’re so fast” or “You’ve been doing this for a while, huh?” (that last one is especially annoying…)
So, this man is standing next to the bar and staring at me. I’m generally so focused on pouring milk and pulling shots and not burning my hand on the steam wand that I don’t pay much attention to the people who hover around the machines like vultures and wait on their lattes. The man in question was leaning up against the counter and making the usual comments. I set down a latte at the end of the bar and call out a name:
“Sassy! Your nonfat latte is ready!”
The man then proceeds to look me dead in the eye and say, “I’m sassy.” Please note that the phrase included the sassy-girl snapping z-formation.
Honestly all I could do was awkwardly laugh.
I finally make his beverage and set it down and call it out.
Me: Here’s your iced latte
Man, to the friend who is now standing with him: She made my drink first because she likes me. She has a crush on me.
Me, internally cringing: *awkward laughter* What? You’re ridiculous…
Him, without missing a beat: That’s what all my future girlfriends say.
Seriously, dude. Gratefully he didn’t actually try to get my number or ask me out. Because he was definitely in his early forties. And awkward. Nope.
The second incident occurred when I stopped to purchase gas on my way home from brunch with a friend. I was standing there, minding my own business, when the man decided to break the imaginary personal space boundary that exists between two people using opposite sides of the same pump (it’s a thing) and ask me, “Why you be looking so clean?” I assume this was a compliment of some kind, as he was clearly hitting on me. I’m really good at employing the awkward laugh in times like these, so you can bet that I did a lot of it during our 50-second conversation. Not put-off by me being awkward he then asks, “Can I take you to to dinner sometime?” It was at this point when he smiled at me (in a kind of creepy way) that I noticed for the first time he, in fact, had a set of gold teeth.
I let him down as nicely as I knew how by telling him that I was not interested, and he scuttled out of there pretty quickly after he returned to his side and finished pumping gas.
So clearly I’m doing something right this week that is making me especially attractive to men who use incredibly awkward means to hit on women.